trying to hold space for yourself.

I spent half the day with my stomach in my throat. My heart was somewhere in my esophagus, constricted, and both organs caused me to feel like I couldn’t breathe.

There is a certain loneliness that comes with infertility and the “trying to conceive” process. There are so many people who are sacrificing parts of themselves in hopes of creating this tiny life, but yet when it is you – trying to create – you feel unbelievably alone.

You have to deal with your body not performing the way that it theoretically should. It is sluggish, filled with lethargy, and you are often in a spiral of “who will I be today”?

Today?

I am a stressed out person with my stomach in my throat and my anxiety at its highest. I have been playing pong for the last eight hours trying to get the results of a test that is currently playing the role of road block. Calling one doctors office and then another and back and forth and back and forth is giving me a whiplash. All the while – I am holding my breath. I am holding faith that these results will be the magic key into that will open the chest that has “fertility meds” written in large, golden letters but it could also lead me down a chute.

The push and pull throughout the day was rough. I called doctors. I called diagnostic places. I called

I had blind faith. I had this childish belief that everything would finally work out. I was suddenly a kid again believing that if I had enough faith, wished hard enough, then magic would happen. But science isn’t magic and there is something wrong with my body. When you say that aloud, people instantly disagree, but here’s the thing – there is something wrong. Fixable? Possibly. But none the less wrong.

And that wrongness is heavy. It settles in the pits of your stomach and curls inside you taking up and filling any space that is possible. You try to out smart this wrongness by giving up caffeine, alcohol, and the oh so scary gluten – but it still settles there. Your medication isn’t enough to destroy it. The 20 odd supplements daily plus your thyroid medication only enrages it. The wrongness grows and grows.

Do not invalidate me by lessening the wrongness. It doesn’t like that.

I got news that we are out another cycle. I am currently feeling devastated and very much alone in this battle.

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