I have spent a lot of time outside lately – gardening, running, walking throughout our neighborhood, sitting in a hammock at the park – and there is a fullness inside me. I think it is because of the sun.
The sun grows.
It settles deep into my skin and fills my body and helps grow, grow, grow.
For the last two weeks, I’ve been out in the sun. I have noticed the changes in my body. It’s energized. It doesn’t tire as easily and, even with the added hormones, it feels uplifted and carried. I feel fuller, inside, physically and emotionally. I begin to crave it. My skin darkening and my soul uplifted and I want to spend my morning gently running under the trees and enjoy the sun shifting through the branches.
The sun has brought calm.
It has reminded me that there is a season for everything. It has reminded me that there are patterns and expectations and that it always is there – just in different capacities. It’s reminded me that there has to be some patience.
I have been meditating to a quote by Abdu’l-Bahá:
“There is one season to harrow the ground, another season to scatter the seeds, still another season to irrigate the fields and still another to harvest the crop. We must attend to these various kinds of activities in their proper seasons in order to become successful. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Consultation, p. 7)”
There is a season for everything. There is an understanding that things take time and don’t come based on our wants. The sun is that way – it’s closer now but slowly becomes farther and father over months but it comes back – there is trust in how the sun works. There has to be some kind of trust in other things too? Right?
There has to be faith.
In a spiritual sense – if you believe in that – there has to be faith in the way of the universe, creator, maker of your reality. Yet, scientifically, there has to be a trust in your body too and the medicine provided. I spent the last week worrying that the medicine isn’t working, second guessing my doctor, wondering if my body is working too fast or not at all. Yet, stepping back and in the sun, I’m reminded how calm I become when I trust in its power and, maybe I should trust in my own too.
I’m also reminded to be patient.
For the last year, I have been harrowing the ground and attempting to scatter seeds. I don’t control if they grow or not. I can’t push it to happen – I can only help and have faith. Water the plants and hope the sun is enough to feed them.
I’ve recently read research about how there are seasons of fertility. That you can be more fertile at specific times in the year, your life, and even in the physical seasons. I think of that – how torn and run down my body felt in January versus how alive and full I feel right now.
Is it a change of mindset? Is it the sun healing? Is it a change of season and a step closer to our little one?
I’m not sure, but today I am making an active effort to have faith in my body, my wife, my doctor, and my creator/universe. I feel goodness happening.
I am currently on cd 14.
We decided on one more IUI. Lowkey – well as low-key as we can be – fifth IUI. I took my 10mg of Femara differently this cycle. The scientist in me wanted to experiment so it went something like this:
cd2: 2 pills
cd3: 3 pills
cd4: 4 pills
cd5: 5 pills
cd6: 6 pills.
Twenty little pills total. Based on the research I read, that step protocol is supposed to help make multiple follicles rather than one. More follicles can equate to multiple chances.
It also has taken its time but based on our scan Monday morning I had two follicles in my left ovary (remember that slow ovary that NEVER had follicles?!) at 16mm and 14mm and one on my right at 14mm. Under the premise that follicles grow at a rate of 1.5-2mm daily, our doctor has us triggering tonight at midnight for an IUI exactly 36 hours later on Friday.
I’ve been achy on both sides and my uterus has felt so full this past week. I have feared that I would miss ovulation. But, then I am reminded that our doctor is trustworthy and knows her stuff. I have to trust in my body, that it is working for me. I have to trust in my creator that they are hearing my prayers.
I have to trust.
We are hoping that all three mature.
Theoretically, those three follicles should be around 20, 18, 18 at the smallest at ovulation. Right? Maybe?
Mentally and physically, it’s my season. I’m excited to take a walk and possibly spend some time outside. The sun is shining through our windows, touching my skin, calming me.
I’m choosing faith today and tomorrow and the next day.
Here is to our last hurrah, folks.