not going to throw away my shot (cue Hamilton).

on

Last night I had my trigger shot. 

Okay, I feel like ‘had’ is down playing what happened last night. I feel like it doesn’t explain the scene that occured when my wife walked into the door after work. 

For our past IUIs we had trigger shots at various times. We have 24 hours before IUI, 18 hours, 30ish hours, and 4 hours. It has happened in many situations – a dear friend sticking a needle into my butt while my wife was in Mexico, my wife sticking me in the bathroom of her work, my doctor hurriedly sticking me before an IUI – and every time I wasn’t nervous, pulled down my pants, and found it to be so easy 

This time it wasn’t. 

Yesterday I did research about trigger shot timing. I wanted to read peer reviewed journals, research studies, essays, and, yes, even antedotal comments. My findings were interesting because this time we had time – this time we were triggering at the 36 hour mark like our doctor said – but the research said something different. 

Based on a few studies, it was best to trigger between 40-42hours before IUI. The reasoning behind this is because in most people, your egg releases 36 hours after the trigger and starts the process of being caught and traveling through the follopian tube. By the 40 hour mark, it should be starting that journey. With frozen sperm (a limited resources with a time limit), it can meet the egg faster. When the sperm is there too early, especially frozen sperm, it could die off between 6-24 hours versus the egg stying alive around 24 hours. 

I feel like in the past we did the IUIs too early. It wasn’t because we wanted it that way – it was because most of the time I was to ovulate over the weekend and our fertility clinic wasn’t open on the weekend. Which, in hindsight, we should have brought into consideration. 

So, I shared this research with my wife and we decided, what the hell, let’s do it. It is our last IUI and we have already experimented so much already. 

This time I was scared though. It was odd. I’m not scared of needles. I am the person who giggles when I get four hour long tattoos and enjoy watching the needle when I get blood drawn. I’ve had this shot four times before and proudly presented my butt. 
Except this time I was nervous. I was shaky and my wife followed me from room to room as I tried to find the perfect place to stand. I don’t think it was the pain – this isn’t a painful shot – but I think it made me realize this was it. 

This was our last try (IUI, IVF for a while), possibly with my own eggs, and I felt scared. 

I was scared that I’m putting too much hope into this cycle. That I actually believe that this will work. 

I’m scared of waiting for our baby – the one meant for us. 

I’m scared this year long process will turn into two or three or four.

I’m scared my body isn’t enough and is incapable. 

I thought about the family and friends who just found out they’re pregnant and their thoughtful texts and calls to tell me. 

I thought about my jealousy and excitement and my yearning for my children to have cousins and friends close to their age.

This shot was everything in that moment – the point of no return. 

We finally ended up at our original place – the kitchen table. The table that we picked out before we bought a house because this was going to be the staple for our family. This table represented out family. We told each other stories as we walked through potential homes and asked two questions: will the table fit and can we have a homebirth here?

This table, hopefully, supporting me through conception and birthing. 

And then my wife did it. 

Kind of. 

My nervousness rubbed off on her and she started to put the needle in, half way, and pulled out.

I turned and looked at her. Her sweet face apologetic and I felt relief. She was just asnervous as I was. Maybe not about everything I was but she was nervous and she wanted this and she was fully committed to this as I am. 

It’s easy to forget that. 

It’s so easy. 

But then a rush of love came through my at the reminded. I felt call again, giddy, and hopeful. 

It’s okay to believe and be hopeful. 

And so, finally, I stuck out my butt once more and she took a breath and finally, she stuck it in me and gave me the shot. 

So, yeah, I had the trigger shot yesterday at 6:30pm. 

I’m emotional and exhausted and feeling all the hormones work inside me. Im letting it,embracing it.

We have one shot and I’m not going to throw away my shot.  

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Mary Beth says:

    Ahhh, good luck you guys! And I totally get that jealous feeling when others announce they’re pregnant, that was totally me a few years ago.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. rooniesr says:

    You are my favorite person. Thanks for writing this up – I’m so glad to be on this crazy/terrifying/wonderful adventure with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jessie says:

    ❤💛💚💙💜❤💛💚💙💜

    Like

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