an ocean too heavy. 

There is a deep loneliness in trying to conceive.

There is a deeper loneliness being the body that is being used. The hormones take a toll and create exhaustion, anxiety, and lethargy. It’s hard to communicate enough how off things feel, how torn down that you feel, how sometimes – sometimes you wish you didn’t live in this body.

And then you have the loneliness of the two-week wait. The heaviness of boring this time feeling alone and not knowing how to be both optimistic or pessimistic.

We didn’t talk about it that much except for me saying I feel exhausted or anxious. Maybe that is why it feels too heavy this time? Too lonely? Like I’m walking this path without a tether.

Facebook groups become very helpful. Other people commenting about their experiences or their partner’s experiences – making you feel less alone in this process, less like an oddity.

This has been hard.

All the two-week wait have been hard. This time I’ve had about four people announce their pregnancies to me. I have felt such wanderlust. I have felt such loneliness and boredom and unsettled. My body has felt dragged more than other times and it hurts. It aches. It cramps. It’s nauseous.

And it’s tired.

I’m just so tired.

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of wanting and trying and it is so hard.

I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought that this process would be so harrowing. That my body would feel so used. Growing up, all I wanted was to be pregnant and then to give birth and then to be a mom and to stay with my children.

I always wanted to be someone’s mother by birth.

And seeing it happen so easy around me to those who didn’t want it, who poisoned their bodies, and I was naive to think that this wouldn’t be too hard.

Challenging? Of course.

But not hard. Not torture.

I see my privilege in this. I have a loving wife. I have a decent support network. I have the ability to stay home and rest, rest, rest.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel like drowning either. It doesn’t mean that this loneliness, especially right now in this wait, isn’t hard to handle.

We have a few more days.

A few more days before we actually know.

And either way, I see light.

I see relief.

I will either be growing a human or I will be free from these hormones and disappointed for a while.

Relief is so close.

One Comment Add yours

  1. I’m sorry you feel so lonely and I want to commend you for facing/ embracing it. Last week I was jogging at night and it was so dark I couldn’t see the rest of our group and I felt so lonely but it made me feel calm to know there are others in the dark with me. Good luck with the results, I wish you peace with whichever outcome!

    Like

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