and here we go.

We had our baseline today. It was the first time that my darling wife had an ultrasound and she was fantastic. Seeing her up on the table this time instead of myself really drove everything home – this is happening.

We are going through with this.

IMG_20170803_113319

I couldn’t be more overfilled with emotion. I am beyond excited. I feel like this is a connection that we couldn’t truly comprehend until now – this opportunity to both be a part of this process and to forever be bonded together.

It’s the ultimate form of science (and magic!) bringing something from her into me. I’ve always had this child pictured in my head – curly hair, family nose, glasses – and I’ve had to recreate her during this process. More so, I’m still recreating this image. It is an odd occurrence – like letting go of someone you had close to your heart but bringing someone else closer. It’s not mourning, it’s just recreating, reintroducing.

It’s like when you have this idea of someone in your head before you meet them only to be greeted by the real version of them and just loving them so much more.

Our donor is me. They look like me from infancy to adulthood. They have similar interests. They have similar goals of helping people. They had similar hurdles in life that they had to overcome. When I think of them – I think of an extension of myself. But they’re also different. They have perfect eyesight. They don’t necessary of my nose. And, as much as I feel challenged being neurodivergent – it makes up a huge part of my personality and intelligence.

At night, I wonder, will they reflect my personality? Will they be like me as a kid – pensive, imaginative, adventurous?

There have been so many studies that have been done on non-biological gestational parents and carriers and how their children not only ends up with their personality traits but also physical features.

Will that happen?

Will our child be this beautiful mixture of me and of her and of us?

I haven’t pinned down the new image of our child except for their smile. Their smile so similar to my wife’s that causes my stomach to flip and knot and flip. Their smile reaching to their brown eyes.

I feel too grateful that we can do this. I feel so grateful that this is going to be our child. I feel grateful that she is going through this harrowing process of egg retrieval so that we can make these embryos.

And mostly, I feel so connected to my wife and like I am tumbling more and more in love with her.

She did great today.

Her ultrasound was excellent.

We will be starting her injections tomorrow. Today, before she left back to work, she put two estrogen patches on my stomach – gently, tenderly – so that I will be ready for the fresh transfer.

This is truly happening.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. MommySquared says:

    My wife and I appear to be at a similar point in the process….she had her baseline today and starts her injections tomorrow with a targeted retrieval date of the 14th. I’m on Lupron amd estrogen (pills, but the patches sound intriguing). I can relate to that love and excitement, and oh my goodness: that “recreation” of the image of your baby. I also went through the process of “letting go” of what our baby may look like, since my wife and I look so different and our donor more closely resembles my wife than me. I always pictured a mini version of me. But I am so overwhelmed with love and happiness that I am not even a tiny bit worried about what or who our baby will look like at this point. Good luck to you both!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. mamaamma says:

      We have a similar retrieval week. They are thinking that we will be retrieving around the 17th. It’s nice to find others who are going through the process. We are gearing up for her injections tonight. And that patches are interesting – they are easy to forget that they are there, for sure.

      There is such a process of “letting go”. It is kind of odd going through this process because its not really a sadness but it does feel like something is slipping away. Yet, there is this over bounding excitement with the new possibility.

      Good luck to you both! Sending a ton of sticky baby dust your way ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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