we have dates!

my wife is powerful. she is courageous and i am constantly grateful for her.

we went in for our fourth ultrasound today to check in on her follicles. it’s really interesting, through this entire experience, to watch how this affects her. for so long, it was me going through the hormones and experiencing these ups and downs and now she’s the one going through this process. the uncertainty, how the hormones affect her body, how you’re constantly on the edge of your seat wondering what is going on.

it’s taken a lot of moments of me stepping back and reminding myself that our bodies are different – that hers works differently than mine and that doesn’t make mine any less. i have to remind myself that our experiences are much different and its not fair of me to compare, to not have compassion. there are moments where i don’t have compassion and i have to do a lot of self-talk about how unfair that is of me. just because my experience with this journey is different, that my experience will continue over time while hers ends with the retrieval doesn’t mean that her experience is any less.

it’s a lot of self-talk and a lot of checking myself and its important that we have these realizations. its important, as partners and wives and humans, that we can recognize that others experiences aren’t more or less than our own and we should wade through it with compassion.

easier said than done but i love my wife and i truly want her to be taken care of and thought of.

she’s uncomfortable. her ovaries, especially her right, is so full. and the injections hurt her and burn and she needs more during this time. i am trying to meet the needs and failing at times but trying.

i couldn’t imagine us being pregnant at the same time. i don’t understand how people can do that and meet their partner’s full needs – among other issues that can occur down the line (favoritism, resentment, etc). just being on estrogen while she’s on injections is causing me issues.

i’m so proud of her and thankful for her for going through this. for taking this huge part on her shoulders and powering through it. these last ten days have been filled with her bravery and power and its made me fall so in love with her and want her immensely.

so, today we saw that she has about 9 follicles on her right side (a handful of little follicles set to mature) and 3 follicles on her left. great numbers! we are going one more shot of gonal-f tonight and triggering tonight at 10pm for a retrieval on wednesday morning!

we also did an ultrasound to check my lining since i can respond very slowly to medication and, often times, need more than the average dose size. guess what? it’s perfect! my lining is 11.5 and will possibly grow more. i will need another check on the day of her retrieval as well as a tension suture in my cervix (holy fuck, ouch and no). we will be transferring fresh, 5 day embryos this monday.

i learned that i gained another five lbs. i’m really trying to come to peace with gaining nearly 30 lbs during our entire ttc process. but, good news, my body is completely ready for monday.

10 days later, 8/31. we will know.

this is happening. this is all happening and i am so excited and nervous and anxious. i need to pray more. meditate more. and trust in the fucking universe more.

i’m going to try to find my hope and hold onto it. imagine their faces and their laughs. i’ve been reading a book called spirit babies and its helping a lot.

also, i have a therapy appointment tomorrow. i’m looking forward to it. i’m looking forward to really trying to take care of myself.


4 Comments Add yours

  1. MommySquared says:

    This was beautifully written and I definitely share a lot of the same sentiments. I haven’t blogged much about my wife’s experience with this retrieval but think I may sit down and try to tackle documenting her experiences with her, now. We retrieve on Wednesday as well – wishing you both lots of luck and embryos! 😊


    1. mamaamma says:

      Good luck to you guys too! How did it go? I hope that you both are recovering well and taking time to take care of each other! ❤


  2. This is a great post. I love all of your talk on compassion and understanding that you and your partner are different (especially when it is so easy to compare). I know I need to work more on being compassionate so I appreciated some of your thoughts. Thanks! – Em


    1. mamaamma says:

      I really appreciate your comments. Thank you so much! Being compassionate is somehting that I am certainly working on and I know it’ll be something I’ll try to stay concious about!

      Liked by 1 person

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