So, walk on the side of hope. 

We transferred this past Monday during the eclipse. As the moon covered the sun – that exact moment of totality – our doctor inserted two small and perfect blastocyst into my uterus.

 
It was that simple.

 
I was positive, spent says imagining these children, and bringing them into existence.
And they’re there, today, nestled into my uterine wall and burrowing and burrowing and burrowing.

 
We’ve worked so hard for this. We struggled and went through hell and felt so alone and dug and dug and dug at the earth hoping that something – maybe something – could potentially grow here.

 
And once it does grow – we will carry the fear of it stop growing on our backs until the day they turn earthside and, even then, we will carry a fear.

 
Going through more than a year of medical procedures and then this – this intense and invasive procedure for the both of us – with very little support – we understand all of our risks involved. More so than most medical professionals.

 
We sign document after document reminding how easily things can go wrong.

 
So, please, never remind us to be cautious.

 
We know.

 
We live this. 

 
This is our life. 

 
Instead remind us that sometimes the earth needs to be plowed before something can be planted. Remind us that things need water and sun to grow, so go take a walk and hydrate. Remind us that sometimes things stop growing but there is always more and more chances.

 
Remind us that there is always a new day and that there is a space to honor what is.

 
We are so hopeful.

 
And our hope should never be seen as a weakness. Our hope should never be diminished, even a little, but we also walk the line of fear. We walk the line of sorrow and loss.

So, walk on the side of hope. Hold our hand and bask in the excitement.

 
We transferred two embryos on Monday. During the fucking eclipse. They’re the perfect mix of my wife and I. They’re eager and they’re ready and they’re fucking growing and let’s honor that. Let’s honor them.

 
We are going to live in a space of positive thoughts. We are going to surround ourselves with stories of these potential children. We are going to believe and think them into existence. And, so what if they don’t come? I’ve lost enough people to understand that we mourn and we move forward.

 
But, tell me, what’s so wrong with being excited because – what if, what if they do come? What if they are desperate to live?

 
– updates:
*we go this Friday, the 1st, for our first beta (blood pregnancy test)

 
*We got great news. We have two embryos that went to freeze instead of one. My wife created some quality eggs!

 
* I spent the first three days post transfer on bed rest watching awesome childhood movies. Best self care decision ever.

 

 

* we are taking a small vacation this weekend to help pass the time. It’s been the absolute best, life changing vacation we’ve ever been on. Also, I somehow fell even deeper in love with my wife.

* I’ve lost count of exactly how many progesterone in Oil intramuscular injections I’ve had but it’s probably over twelve and they suck really, really bad. Thank God for Living Rosa videos to distract me!

3 Comments Add yours

  1. MommySquared says:

    Love Living Rosa!! Two Dykes and a Tyke and Baby Bailey Mama Drama are two other really cute Youtube Vlogs. (hope I spelled those right!!) Also love everything about this post and hope your eclipse babies are growing every day. This process is too damn stressful/expensive/emotional, etc. to have anyone dampen your joy for even a moment, so enjoy all of this (I know I am ☺☺)

    Also…do you numb up before your injections? I ice for 10 minutes beforehand (I actually slip the ice pack into the band of my pajama pants) and typically dont feel the injections. We also give the bottle a warm bath in a small shallow cup of water while I am icing up. Not sure if that actually helps, but we figure it cant hurt (or can it? who knows….every other website tells you something different!)

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    1. mamaamma says:

      How is your little eclipse baby growing? Did you guys have your first beta yet? I’m using the app and tried to go on your page but the only post I saw was from the transfer. I am praying all is well! I have been exhausted lately and pretty much sleeping most the day. We had our beta on friday and it was 1229. I had another one this morning and praying that it went up.

      I do not numb before the injections just because the ice can constrict your cells and make the oil expand. It usually doesn’t hurt going in and if it does, its for about 20 seconds, and then we quickly put on the heating pad and my wife massages it for tenish minutes. I do it daily at 6:30pm so that I have time to walk the oil “around” and take a hot shower. So far no bruising or lumps!

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  2. Be positive and get excited about the little embryos that are making your tummy their home for the next little while. My heart and positive vibes are going out to you! 💕

    Like

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