i was going to write this long, elegant post about moving, stress, anxiety and how hard pregnancy is but it didn’t sound right. the words rolled around my mouth too much and, maybe its because i’m violently vomiting everything out of my body, but they simply didn’t come out right. like they were covered in bile.
we are moving – 17 hours away – from the place i’ve called home for over 27 years. i am 9 weeks pregnant and dealing with the worse hangover ever and we are moving – in 13 days.
yes, this is stressful. yes, this is probably all too much. yes, i am crying a lot.
i’m mourning friends and the idea of community and the stories my house here won’t be able to tell and i’m getting sicker and the medication isn’t working and it’s a lot. it’s hard to function most days and there was a moment a few days ago that i was so stressed out that i began to cramp and it just freaked me the fuck out.
everyone says when your pregnant you’ll just feel it. well, i don’t. i don’t feel pregnant or like this is real or that my body has created these two tiny inch long humans with really strong hearts.
it’s a messed up feeling. being so sick, being so unable to really function, trying to find balance on shaky legs and just not feeling like you are finally pregnant.
after a year and some change of trying – it’s a bit of a bummer but, honestly, how can i feel anything other than miserable right now?
i bought a doppler in my fit of anxiety when i was so stressed the other day. i’m finding that all my previous ideals are being thrown out the window. medication? give it all to me.
medication? give it all to me.
multiple ultrasounds? i’ll take them all.
doppler? well, fuck yes i want to try it.
you get to this point of survival. you begin to ask yourself the question – whats worse, this flawed study that might have found a negative effect for something or the stress you’re putting on the baby because you are dehydrated/anxious/over stressed, etc?
you start to see things in a light of baby will be more okay if i’m less stressed.
this process is slow. it becomes slower when there is huge life changes – and i really don’t recommend huge life changes when your pregnant, it adds to the misery – but you adapt and try to find peace with it all.
i know that agnes and esther (my pregnancy names for the babies. no, we aren’t naming them that. no, we don’t know the sex. i just really hate non-names for humans when i’m trying to bond with them) are thriving. they’re growing fast, their hearts are so strong, and they are wiggling and wiggling.
i’m showing already. my uterus is swollen and it presses on my bladder and i feel it when i lie on my right side.
time is going slow but there is change happening.
it’s just a lot at once.
i’m trying to find ways not to over stress. i’m trying to make space to cry and to grow and to feel.
and i’m trying to give myself space to find ways to connect with these babies and to experience pregnancy and to ask for things.
we’re moving to the mountains and its a lot.
i’m pregnant with two babies and its a lot.
but i’m also madly in love with my wife – more than ever. i trust her and know that she is powerful and she can handle me leaning more on her.
i’m excited to teach my babies about the magic of the mountains and the stars and for snow-covered holidays.
they’ll be born in the same city my mom was born and their creation story is magical and we have always been the couple who leaped first into the water without testing it.
and guess what? we have thrived.
so far, pregnancy is hard. you don’t really feel it, you feel miserable and sick most of the time but its also magical.
my wife gave my body a map to follow and my body has eagerly accepted that challenge. these two are thriving, just like us.
i can handle this.