Ever since I was a very small child, I have had vivid, lucid dreams. They played a huge role in my ability to world build throughout my childhood and have helped my foundation as a storyteller.
As of now, at 27, I can remember hundreds of dreams in my childhood. My oldest is a dream about a forest, a tree, my mother in a purple dress, and my mother tying my Moses basket into the tree. I was around two or three when I had that dream.
I remember the dreams I would have after taking the HCG shot (trigger shot) a day and a half before my IUI. For the entire week after I would have vivid dreams. It was one of my favorite parts of the two-week wait.
Being pregnant and having a very high HCG levels, my vivid dreams have been all over the place.
They’re their own worlds sometimes. Other times it’s of world’s I’ve build and novels I’ve written. The main characters I recognize from the character profiles I spent hours writing and then throwing to the side.
Other times I’m a kid again. I’m scared and panicky and I have fears of my stepfather coming into my room at night or that I will find my mother dead.
Other dreams are stress dreams of stressful relationships that are currently happening.
And the newest dream stems from my new anxiety – that the babies will stop growing, die, and I’ll be carrying dead babies inside me.
It’s a new, scarier branch off from my recurring tiny dead animal nightmares.
It scares me and it’s caused some anxiety these last few days. Are they still growing? What if they do stop? I think it’s because this week has lead to me feeling both of them move and flutter inside me. There have been more moments where I’ve had to make decisions that protect them, their growth, their childhood. Already.
I’m their mama. They’re not here and I’m already their mama and it’s real. They’re real.
And I already love them so fiercely.
So, here comes the anxiety.
I’m also no stranger to death and this week marks seven years since my mother died. This week (month) is filled with dreadful feelings and anger and sadness and longing.
It makes sense that this fear is happening now.
I usually have an ultrasound to look forward to by the time the anxiety settles in but now that we have graduated from the RE – it’s to the midwife we go next week. Most likely no ultrasound.
So a Doppler has become helpful, kind of.
I’m trying to wake up and walk myself through the fear. I’m trying to center myself and remind myself that my body is working and growing these babies.
Yet it’s like a vivid memory that I have to try to erase, try to pray away.
I think once we complete this move and I let go of worries, anxieties, and situations I have no control over – the stress behind these dreams will slowly slide away.
New ones will arise, of course, but this part of it – this week in particular – will fade away hopefully.
On good days my dreams are so vivid that I wake up feeling like it’s been weeks since I’ve fallen asleep. I wake up thinking I’ve made it to 34 weeks and I spent my entire pregnancy on the Irish coast just living in a cottage, writing books, and spending mornings walking along the cliffs.
On good days I’m lucid in my dreams and I’m walking myself away from people and situations that stress me out or cause undue worry and jump into the air and fly away. I fly to scenes of stories I’ve written, sit by fires and talk with characters I’ve created, and felt my babies move inside me.
Pregnancy dreams are intense.
The life that I live around it isn’t much different.
It’ll be nice to chill out for a bit and hope that my anxieties will settle and fall away.
I could use some stress-free months.