Will they always be like this?

I made it to twelve weeks (well, as of today, twelve weeks and two days). My stomach is swollen like I ate an inflated kickball and I’m wondering if it is measuring more like twenty weeks if it was a singleton. There are certainly two babies in there. They are active, two and a half inches long each, and they are constantly trying to reach out to each other through their placentas.

Will they always be like this? Desperately trying to be near each other.

There is something magical about two babies growing together. They know each other just as much as they know my heartbeat by now, but more so, I wonder what kind of metaphysical, spiritual, emotional bonds they create as their bodies form and form and form.

They’ll always have each other in there and out here and as much as we want to create individuality for them both, we also want to foster the closeness that only comes when you grow in-utero together. I cannot predict who they will be to each other in the next ten, twenty years, but I do hope that we create a foundation and home where each member feels close to the other and feels like they can be supported and loved. We hope to create a foundation of closeness and by having small, shared spaces throughout their lives, we are hoping that adds to that closeness and helps build their ability to compromise and love without conditions.

We have so many hopes and dreams. I have so many hopes and dreams. But mostly, I hope that they will always feel loved, supported, heard and that their voices hold power. I dream of situations where they’re four or five and they speak up for themselves, express their feelings, and feel that their small voices are so powerful. We watch Livingroom Protests – a youtube segment was done by Staceyann and Zuri Chin and I imagine that both my wife and I aim to create a space of empowerment for our children.

I had our first midwife appointment this past Monday. We graduated from our IVF clinic, moved across the country, and finally made it to the mountains all within a week. It’s been exhausting but it was so reassuring that both babies are doing perfectly. This pregnancy has been hard on my body, but these two are eager to continue to grow and grow and grow.

She had trouble finding their heartbeats on the Doppler due to their positioning (Baby A was breech and a bit back in my uterus and Baby B was hiding under Baby A). So, we did a quick ultrasound to just make sure all was well and it is. Their hearts are beating strong, they are moving every limb they have, and their entire body. They are spending a lot of time trying to grasp each other and I couldn’t help but fall more in love with them both.

As I move forward into my second trimester, I wonder how much more my body will change. My breasts have grown eighty sizes (okay, each breast feels like it weighs five lbs more than it did three months ago). My belly has begun to extend a large amount. I feel like I am getting rounder and rounder by the day. Pregnancy weight is different – there is a pride that I have with each new change in my body. It’s that immediate gratification that they are there and they are growing and my body is doing all of this – my body is sustaining them.

It’s also extremely uncomfortable. It’s a rapid change, not subtle. My belly last week seemed smaller than this week and I have started to not be able to lay on my stomach. My uterus feels heavy inside me, there are more flutters each day, and I can’t curl up without angering these two babies.

We will see them again in another two weeks for a silly, boutique ultrasound (who have I become with all these ultrasounds) to learn a tiny bit more about their physical features (insert winky face). And in another three weeks, we will meet with the midwife, OB, and a MFM. I feel like we have to jump through so many hoops to try to have a vaginal delivery, but its IMG_20171023_134414worth it.

We are a third of the way there.

One Comment Add yours

  1. “Pregnancy weight is different – there is a pride that I have with each new change in my body. It’s that immediate gratification that they are there and they are growing and my body is doing all of this – my body is sustaining them.”


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