more than a body but maybe more than a shelter too. 

They are beginning to hear now.
They are seeing, smelling, and they are hearing. They are consuming the words I say aloud and being nourished by the thoughts coursing through my head and, at this point, they are an extension of myself. Connected to my body, feeding off my body, my blood pumping through their tiny little bodies, they were created by me.
It’s hard not to realize that on a spiritual and deeper level than just “I’m gestating two babies”.
No, it’s more than that. 
I’m their first home and when they’re in my arms, they will still be connected, and there is something sacred about creating, growing babies. There are sacrifice and hope and energy and the universe working together with you.
For my role to ever be seen as less than is a huge disservice to what the universe is helping to create inside my body.
Regardless of genetics, these two humans are created by me, sustained through me, and are mine just as much as their Amma’s.
And they can hear.
They can feel my heart quicken when I am stressed or anxious. They feel my restlessness at nights and they can hear my exhaustion through a watery barrier. I feel protective of them and convicted and left wanting for them to be lulled by sung prayers instead of stress.
These two people – they’re two people – are spoken to by names. When they aren’t then we (as mentioned before) stray from grouping them into a category. “The twins” or “the (sexes)” is unacceptable to my wife and I. They are two separate human beings who deserve to be acknowledged as such. They hear now and they’ll hear in a year and in five years and we refuse to let language they hear cross our boundaries. We refuse to let their individuality go.
They have names and until they are known, then identifying that they are two separate humans are important. There will be no “the twins” or “cutesy” identifiers (similar/identical clothes, double items, names, etc). I may say “twin pregnancy” but that is in reference to my pregnancy rather than these two humans. We want to give them the best chance at being their individual people who happen to have a strong connection with their sibling rather than always considered one unit.
They hear. They will hear. And what they hear matters to how they continue to develop into humans. We will both strive that what they hear will be conducive to them being individual, critical thinking humans.
I’m trying to breathe more today.
I’m trying to end my night in a bath listening to prayers and meditate and really dig deep into becoming calm and letting go of uncontrollable situations.
Like pregnancy and birth and parenting, you have to learn to adapt.
I’m trying to learn the grace to do just that and find the voice that I need to protect and teach these two babies.
I’m rereading the Paris Talks done by ‘Abdu’l-baha. I’m considering my role as Mama, a mother to these two humans, what that means and how to be both fierce and gentle. I’m considering my role as their first teacher and being grateful for this opportunity.
I can be an overwhelming transition into parenting – we are doing it twice at once – and I’m trying to find a full heart in the struggle. My body is already so exhausted, hurting and growing and stretching, but with each new struggle, I’m finding happiness and contentment.
They’re growing.
They’re healthy.
Their hearts are so strong and their body is working and they are sucking their thumps and pumping blood and they can hear.
They can hear.
And hopefully, they’ll hear us – their Mama and Amma – speaking love and prayers and hope to them daily.

 

One word may be likened unto fire, another unto light, and the influence which both exert is manifest in the world. Therefore an enlightened man of wisdom should primarily speak with words as mild as milk, that the children of men may be nurtured and edified thereby and may attain the ultimate goal of human existence which is the station of true understanding and nobility.

-Baha’u’llah

One Comment Add yours

  1. MommySquared says:

    Beautiful words. You’re going to be a great mama. Hang in there through the tough moments as they always pass (likely a difficult sentiment to hold onto when your skin is being stretched and pulled and your insides squashed by two growing babies). BUT: two growing babies they are, and that is definitely something wonderful. ☺

    Like

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