the hardest (most beautiful) thing I’ve ever had to do. 

(Unedited mobile post. sorry for wonky formats.) 
I made it to 20 weeks.

I feel that we are more than halfway here. I have two babies, my goal is 36 weeks. Anything after is extra (torture for me but great for these two little guys). 
I’m currently sitting in a room in my Midwives’ office watching the snow trickle down and trying to hold in the contents of my stomach. It’s very minimal – water and the horrible sugar drink they give you for the Glucose Tolarance Test. 
I failed the first test on Tuesday – the one hour test. I needed to get under 135 and ended up with a number of 174. Pretty big fail. 
Now I’ve been here for nearly two hours and I need to pass 2/4 of the blood draws for this 3 hour test. Honestly, I’m not very hopeful about it. 
Gestational diabetes is common with twins. It’s common with those who have PCOS. It’s common with black women. Despite my sugar cravings this pregnancy, it’s the genetics and predisposed circumstances that cause GD versus the actual consumption of that sometimes soda and Skittles. 
This hasn’t been the easiest pregnancy. It’s been really hard for me. It first was the intense HG style morning sickness and constant worry that these two babies will disappear. Then it was the move cross country – which has been so hard and I highly don’t recommend (it’s just hard and lonely as hell). And ever since I made it into the second trimester my vomiting has went down considerably but I’m not exhausted all. the. time. and out of breath. 
They still don’t know why I can barely breathe. 

I had romantized pregnancy before but now I get it. It’s hard. It’s difficult and weird shit happens and it’s important to be honest about it.

I certainly don’t regret transferring two embryos or these two babies. At. All. I’ll go through hell for them. 
I also will only transfer one embryo the next times we try to get pregnant. 
People said it was hard. They warned that pregnancy with two babies is just so much on your body and they’re not lying. They’re right. It’s so hard that, with how difficult the pregnancy has been and how lonely living in a new city is, I’m sure I’m developing antepartum depression and anxiety. 
They’re going to be worth it. 
But there is something insanely rough about making your body grow two humans. Growing one baby is hard – but two? Common. 
And even though I’m running into all these issues, guess what? 
They are so healthy. 
At their anatomy scan we learned that they are both long and nearly a pound (probably right at that this week) and they are active and all their bits are growing strong. 
These two are THRIVING. 
No matter how hard it is on my body, they are not affected and seem to be healthy and happy. They are moving constantly (guess who didn’t sleep last night?) and their heartbeats are perfect. 
These two little ones want to be here and I will carry them until they’re ready. 
I’m their first home. Strong and sturdy and protective. 
There are days it feels hard to connect with them – normal, I know – but there are moments that takes away that bitter bite and I’m filled with so much love and protective energy for them. 
They’re here. We tried and tried for so long and they’re here. We did this. I did this. It’s hard and most days I’m crying because it’s so hard but it’s also worth it. 
They’ll always be worth it. 

Week 20 things 

  • I’m huge. My fundal measurement is at 31 weeks if it was a single baby. 
  • My stomach is under my (ginormous) boobs at the top of my abdomen. It’s easy to forget to eat because it’s so smooshed. 
  • I get dehydrated way too easily 
  • Babies are strong and, even though sometimes I get scared they’ve disappeared, they are there and active 
  • I take a ton of naps to get through the day 
  • It’s hard to get out of bed – both due to exhaustion and being stuck 
  • I can’t be on my back without vomiting 
  • I take at least two baths and a shower a day to relieve everything 
  • Sweet baby b has moved horizontal (trasverse) and his toes are now under my ribs and it HURTD 
  • Baby a is still head down against my cervix 

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