perfectly currated two first names. 

They have names – perfectly currated two first names each. I’m passionate about their two first names. No hyphen, just two names that slide out of our mouths like a prayer or like poetry that will command others to remember,to learn, to not forget one. They’ll think it’s an inconvenience, I’m sure. While I see it as showing love, respect, and giving them your full attention when you have to use both names and use them correctly. 
They deserve it. 
It’s been a hard battle. One that we are fighting so hard – we are scared, exhausted, but we are still fighting and fighting. 
I’m 23 weeks and 2 days tomorrow. Those days are important – especially right now. We are at the point where, depending on the hospital, they would try to save them if they try to slither into this world too quickly. 
We now make decisions like – does this hospital save 23 week babies? what is their NICU like? is it a level 3 or level 4? 
This hasn’t been the easiest pregnancy. 
It started out exhausting and I vomited nearly 20 times a day until we found a medication that kind of worked. I have been confined inside for weeks. We moved part way though it – across the fucking country – and things didn’t get easier. 
Then we had somewhat of a break – maybe? – a handful of weeks when things weren’t too scary. 
But, then things became too hard, too real, too scary. 
Being diagnosed with gestational diabetes is nothing. 
Being diagnosed with an incompetent cervix is the thing of nightmares – especially when there are two little kids involved. Our doctor started the conversation with “oh good, you’re both here” and ended it with a sad face praising us on making tough decisions and her apologies for having to cancel my birthday trip. 
We were immediately scheduled for surgery on the day that our flight took off. 
I was scared. Terrified. The thought that my two babies, these babies that we tried so hard to make, wouldn’t make it to even the day of surgery terrified me. Terrified both of us. 
They stayed in and the surgery went well – scary but my care providers took very good care of me. 
Now, here we are, two weeks tomorrow from the surgery that extended our babies time inside me. 
We knew that a cerclage with twins was controversial. Some (horribly done) studies show that it doesn’t necessarily work but many antedotal stories say that in combination with bedrest, it can get you to viability and much later depending on the situation. 
I had my follow up today. 
I have been expecting the worst. I have been getting myself familiar with NICUs and micropremies and breastfeeding the NICU baby and success rates and risks and everything while lying in bed. I have prepared for the absolute worse (no, no, no I haven’t. I refuse to prepare for that) and let a tiny bit of myself remain hopeful that they’ll hold out until at least 35 weeks. 
Today my cervix still showed funneling. Our sweet little boy’s head has been pressing against my cervix for so long. And then, when the ultrasound tech gently pressed on my stomach, my cervix opened more and his head slipped down to my stitches. I went from a 2 to under a 1 and that was so scary. 
They had a fetal echocardiogram today and growth scan. These two little guys are so small but so mighty. They are developing right on track and they have their Amma’s petite build. And one was practicing breathing and hiccuping. 
They’re beautiful. 
They want to survive and live. 
They’re thriving. 
And yet my body is having trouble holding them close. 
Our doctor immediately recommended strict bedrest and changing from the Midwives to them, the MFM, full time. They want to monitor me very closely and he said that preterm labor was in our future. It’s just a matter of when and how long we can keep them inside. 
He recommended changing the hospital that we will deliver at and I’m thankful that we moved. The one we are moving two has the biggest, best NICU in the seven state range. These two babies have a chance. 
They hooked me up to a monitor to check for contractions – only one in twenty minutes. Then they set me up with an appointment tomorrow and sent me home. 
Home where I have to monitor myself for contractions, where I have to stay lying down, where I am trying to hard to keep them inside me. 
I’m currently in a hot bath. Ive been contracting on and off for a little while and I’m hoping it stops them. I’m waiting for my wife to get home from being away these last two days and I’m trying not to cry. 
God, I’m trying not to cry. 
It’s funny how coping mechanisms kick in so quickly. How tough I have to make myself so that I can get through the crippling fear. 
I’ve wanted these babies since I was a small child. Always, I’ve wanted to be a Mama. I fought for them and put my body through hell to make them and to carry them and I want them. I want them and I love them and I want them to know no suffering but I also want them to fight. I want them to fight just as hard as me and my wife has fought for them. 
You never want to come face to face with the possibility that your child’s life could be taken away. You never want to deal with it alone – like we felt like we have. You never want to have to make these choices and you never want to think that you’re body is simply “incompetent” at something so common like growing and birthing a child. 
We are scared, folks. We are scared for these two little boys who are growing and growing and growing and thriving and we are scared of the possibility that they’ll be taken from us. 
We want our chance. 
We want our family. 
They are real, they are hiccuping and sucking their thumbs and thumping around inside me. 
They have to stay inside me. 
Just a little bit longer. 

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Ivana says:

    Stay strong mama!

    Like

  2. Michelle says:

    I’m glad that you feel you have good support from your care providers. You both have so much love for your two little ones and I love them already too! Here’s a very gentle virtual hug from Manchester…

    Like

  3. Em & Lyn says:

    I’m sending you all my good vibes. My heart goes out to you four. Im glad you all have good resources. Stay strong!

    Like

  4. MommySquared says:

    Positive, happy wishes to you all. May the babes bake just a little linger and come out nice and healthy for you ❤

    Like

  5. Praying for all of you and sending you (and those warrior babies!) all the hugs in the world.

    Like

  6. Southerner says:

    How are you doing? I’ve been thinking about y’all non-stop since you posted last and checking back regularly for updates. Sending you all the love and prayers and hugs and positive juju in the world.

    Like

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