26 weeks. we made it this far.

It’s been a few weeks

I’ve been in the hospital twice.

Once, at 23 weeks, for a few nights for

bleeding and a bladder infection.

Another time, a few days after, for bleeding

and then the contractions started.

We hit viability in a hospital room.

Where I was hooked to five different monitors

and meeting with teams of doctors

and getting my cervix checked

and sitting with my wife in a room

that overlooked a wall

talking with a neonatologist going over

every

single

detail

of what to expect if they came now.

i stayed a full monday to monday with that visit.

each day becoming less scary as they grew.

each day becoming more stressful as we

came to terms with this pregnancy.

we don’t have a baby issue –

“you have a uterus / cervix issue.”

i hear “your body isn’t capable of keeping these

two babies inside you.”

so, i swan twice a day and ate all the time

and laid completely still for hours as they tried to find

two overly rambunctious babies on the monitor.

some days were easier.

other days were harder.

and each day we held each other up.

would it feel like we were going through this alone

if we still lived near friends or family?

or is a high risk pregnancy and

possible long nicu stay just something that makes you

feel incredibly lonely?

update:

we are 26 weeks today.

babies are healthy, thriving.

my cervix remained in tact during contractions.

they stopped contractions with a five day course of celebrex

(twinges and small contractions have

started up a day after being done with it).

we spent 8 days on the antepartum ward.

our hospital is the best for high risk / level 4 nicu

in the rocky mountain area (surrounding 7 states).

doctors released us yesterday because i haven’t bled

since i arrived.

“think of it as a parole.”

“we’ll probably see you back in a few days or a week.”

“maybe a few hours!”

well, jokes on that doctors – it’s been over 24 hours since we left.

i’m worried about bleeding again.

i would be on strike 3

which gets me a stay until the end of my pregnancy.

part of me is feeling extremely content being home.

the other part of me is extremely worried and

i miss the safety of the hospital.

i could move around more,

interact more,

go on walks and pool time.

but at home i’m on bed rest

and i’m scared of doing something

that causes an emergency

and not being surrounded by a team of care providers

equip to take care of me and the babies.

its a double edge sword.

i’m exhausted and done with this pregnancy,

i’m also scared and wanting to keep them inside me

for the next year.

they’re safe inside me,

but they aren’t.

it’s a horrible, torn feeling to feel.

this experience is a horrible, torn experience.

but we laugh, and we take care of each other,

and we desperately keep high spirits.

because what options do we have?

except to move forward.

i’m excepting an emergency c-section.

we let go of our hypnobabies dream

and the doula that came with it.

because sometimes things change

and the support looks different.

sometimes you just need each other

and, oddly, our photographers have offered

some of the best support that we could get in

this situation.

they ability to capture our story

and to offer support and hear us and to

make us feel like we aren’t failing

or that we can handle this

is uplifting.

i can’t walk this path expecting the best.

i have to be realistic.

if i fell into an emergency c-section

and a long nicu stay without educating myself –

i would be too lost.

too broken.

i have time to mourn, grieve, and come to terms

with the fact that things have changed.

i can understand the expectation of not touching my babies

-only during specific times –

when they are in the nicu.

i can understand that birth will look different.

i can mourn my body

and rewrite how my story is being written.

being realistic, having this time

i can come to terms with how this story is unfolding.

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