It’s been a few weeks
I’ve been in the hospital twice.
Once, at 23 weeks, for a few nights for
bleeding and a bladder infection.
Another time, a few days after, for bleeding
and then the contractions started.
We hit viability in a hospital room.
Where I was hooked to five different monitors
and meeting with teams of doctors
and getting my cervix checked
and sitting with my wife in a room
that overlooked a wall
talking with a neonatologist going over
of what to expect if they came now.
i stayed a full monday to monday with that visit.
each day becoming less scary as they grew.
each day becoming more stressful as we
came to terms with this pregnancy.
we don’t have a baby issue –
“you have a uterus / cervix issue.”
i hear “your body isn’t capable of keeping these
two babies inside you.”
so, i swan twice a day and ate all the time
and laid completely still for hours as they tried to find
two overly rambunctious babies on the monitor.
some days were easier.
other days were harder.
and each day we held each other up.
would it feel like we were going through this alone
if we still lived near friends or family?
or is a high risk pregnancy and
possible long nicu stay just something that makes you
feel incredibly lonely?
we are 26 weeks today.
babies are healthy, thriving.
my cervix remained in tact during contractions.
they stopped contractions with a five day course of celebrex
(twinges and small contractions have
started up a day after being done with it).
we spent 8 days on the antepartum ward.
our hospital is the best for high risk / level 4 nicu
in the rocky mountain area (surrounding 7 states).
doctors released us yesterday because i haven’t bled
since i arrived.
“think of it as a parole.”
“we’ll probably see you back in a few days or a week.”
“maybe a few hours!”
well, jokes on that doctors – it’s been over 24 hours since we left.
i’m worried about bleeding again.
i would be on strike 3
which gets me a stay until the end of my pregnancy.
part of me is feeling extremely content being home.
the other part of me is extremely worried and
i miss the safety of the hospital.
i could move around more,
go on walks and pool time.
but at home i’m on bed rest
and i’m scared of doing something
that causes an emergency
and not being surrounded by a team of care providers
equip to take care of me and the babies.
its a double edge sword.
i’m exhausted and done with this pregnancy,
i’m also scared and wanting to keep them inside me
for the next year.
they’re safe inside me,
but they aren’t.
it’s a horrible, torn feeling to feel.
this experience is a horrible, torn experience.
but we laugh, and we take care of each other,
and we desperately keep high spirits.
because what options do we have?
except to move forward.
i’m excepting an emergency c-section.
we let go of our hypnobabies dream
and the doula that came with it.
because sometimes things change
and the support looks different.
sometimes you just need each other
and, oddly, our photographers have offered
some of the best support that we could get in
they ability to capture our story
and to offer support and hear us and to
make us feel like we aren’t failing
or that we can handle this
i can’t walk this path expecting the best.
i have to be realistic.
if i fell into an emergency c-section
and a long nicu stay without educating myself –
i would be too lost.
i have time to mourn, grieve, and come to terms
with the fact that things have changed.
i can understand the expectation of not touching my babies
-only during specific times –
when they are in the nicu.
i can understand that birth will look different.
i can mourn my body
and rewrite how my story is being written.
being realistic, having this time
i can come to terms with how this story is unfolding.