Postpartum is supposed to be a very special time. It’s a time of healing and taking care of the new mother and a time to adjust to the new normal.
This has been the absolute worst time in my life.
The days following my mother’s death was difficult – planning her funeral at 20, writing the eulogy, dealing with the pain of your mother dying – it was easier than this.
It’s easier than having to be away from your babies. It’s easier than having to deal with your postpartum being overrun. It’s easier than not having the space and support needed to heal. Her death was easier to accept than all of this.
This is not how I wanted my Postpartum to be. It’s not what I needed and instead I feel like I continue to give up and give way too much energy and not just be.
I feel like this has been a series of having no choice in anything that has happened.
I feel like my body is physically healing way too fast because it’s forced to instead of being cared for and honored and recognized that it carried two humans and that it just needs time to be and to mourn and to learn this new normal.
This has all been too shitty.
It hurts and is painful and I’m trying to figure out if the physical is as heavy as the emotional.
It’s so lonely.
And I just want my babies.