life was born out of my belly.

My muscles in my abdomen are extremely sore now. My wife said they held me open and pushed and pulled to get the babies out of the six inch cut right above my pubic bone.

I’ve held the belief that csections are the absolute latest resort and people shouldn’t give into mindless intervention, but after this pregnancy that believe has drastically changed. My understanding of my own body and emotional state has really brought forth an understanding.

The morning I went into labor – I was up for an entire two days before on magnesium. It made my entire body feel like I had the absolute worst flu in my life. I went through numerous procedures that triggered my anxiety and panic due to a history of sexual trauma.

When I went into labor I though that my favorite doctor was on call but instead walked in a man who I wasn’t completely familiar with and someone who needed to take out my pessary and preform a cervix exam on me.

I was not okay.

They had to give me antianxiety medication through my IV because I couldn’t not let him touch me.

I remember crying on the toliet – blood flowing out of me – to my wife telling her that I wish they would put me to sleep and just take them.

I never, ever realized that the history of sexual truama – something I worked really hard to “get over” – had such a grip over how I would experience the birth of my children.

That anxiety and trauma alone would have been enough to choose to not have a vaginal birth.

Except, at that point I did have an option and I had a baby pretty close to making his way out of my cervix and it was happening.

My discomfort and anxiety lead the doctor to call the doctor I was comfortable with and have her come to the hospital to take out the cerclage. They gave my an epidural and I instantly felt relief as she came and the shift changed to two other doctors who I had met and enjoyed came on.

The doctor confirmed I was in labor and that we were doing this. I only had two more centemeters to go before our first son made his way into the world. And, it was glorious, not being able to feel anything in or around my vagina when they did checks.

I could do this – maybe.

Except, after over ten weeks head down, our second son turned breech and began to hide high up in my ribs.

The doctor gave us a choice.

I could try to continue to go vaginally and birth him breech – but the risk of him losing oxygen was high and would hurt him so much more than a full term baby – or we could do an emergency csection.

All I knew was that my babies at 27 weeks were tiny and I would do anything to get them here safely.

And I was slightly relieved.

Choosing a vaginal birth would not make me a hero or stronger or more.

I choose a C-section.

I was exhausted and worried and still traumatized and I didn’t want to wait for my babies and I wanted them to come the absolute safest way possibly and my body was just done.

My wife said it was the most traumatic thing she had watched.

I felt empowered, cared for by my team of care providers, and completely at ease during the entire experience.

I remember hearing their cries and my heart jumped in surprise.

I remember them brining them over to me and I felt so much love and relief.

I didn’t feel like I gave up anything by my choice.

I felt empowered and cared for and like I gained something.

I gained a pleasant experience at the end of a traumatic few days and I remember their birth fondly with so much love.

I am walking around and driving and living my life with an empty abdomen and it’s the oddest thing not to have them inside.

Ive been off the pain medication for a few days now. My abdominal muscles are now extremely sore. My incision has healed mostly and a bit sore too – but everything is manageable and not absolute hell. I think of how I would feel with a sore vagina during this time and I get extreme anxiety.

I wouldn’t be able to handle it on top of everything.

Instead I take my time getting out of bed and I marvel at my scar and I feel so strong for bringing my babies into this world safely. I feel happy they delayed clamping the cord and that the babies were fiesty when they were pulled from my body and that they are so strong right now.

I feel strong for healing up and being able to feel like my old, pre-TTC self, and for holding up during this time of being a NICU parent.

For me, I made the best decision – emotionally and physically.

My body is strong and is healing quickly.

My babies – especially my mischievous Raja Anu who was so far up in my ribs and refused to leave me – are thriving and safe without any reprocussions from how I gave birth to them.

Birth is birth is birth – no matter if it’s from your vagina or an incision in your abdomen – you are so fucking strong and incredible and hopefully are able to birth a way that you find peace with.

Honestly, the worst part of having a csection for me, is having to wait to take a bath.

One Comment Add yours

  1. graemetheppm says:

    I am so grateful that you got to have a birth experience that did not add more trauma to your life. Sending you love and hugs from one c-section mama to another. ❤


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