putting ‘obsession’ in postpartum ocd.

  well, i am down to using only instagram as my social media outlet.  but there doesn’t mean there isn’t struggle involved with maintaining myself.  it’s been a month since i broke up with facebook. i quit it. pressed that ‘deactivation’ button (but still haven’t had the strength to ‘delete’ ten years of data) and…

so, how do you pray (meditate/center yourself)?

i am trying to make it a habit of waking up and praying.  i’ve only done this consistently in the last few days. [What is your favorite prayer? Quote? Meditation mantra? Reminder for yourself? Are there any you could share with me? I would certainly appreciate having them, writing them down, during this process. ]…

a conversation before & during fertility treatments:

a conversation that they should have with you before fertility treatments: they don’t sit you down and tell you what will change during this process. you are on their time – no control – and you do as they say when they say it. they manipulate your body to work on their time – lowering…

she’s not here (when your mom is dead). 

My mom would have wanted to be a part of this.  I sit in bed, forcing myself to try to nap during days, just so I can see her in my dreams. In my dreams, she’s our most supportive person. She’s the person calling to check on us everyday. She’s the person remembering that it…

no, kid, your uterus aches.

there is an unsettling feeling that has grown in my uterus. there is actually so much unsettling that i am starting to feel rattled. it could very well be the birth control pills too. i don’t do well on hormones. my body, well my body isn’t completely used to the natural hormones let alone these…

just because things fail doesn’t mean you do. 

28 Walmart Cheapies 12 Family Dollar Cheapies 12 First Response 1 Blood Test All negative. This cycle failed, but I didn’t fail. My body didn’t fail me. This takes time and for some, there are just different methods needed, more time needed, and thinking outside the box. We have to toil the earth, lay down…

an ocean too heavy. 

There is a deep loneliness in trying to conceive. There is a deeper loneliness being the body that is being used. The hormones take a toll and create exhaustion, anxiety, and lethargy. It’s hard to communicate enough how off things feel, how torn down that you feel, how sometimes – sometimes you wish you didn’t…

small update because progesterone is holding me down. 

I am currently: 4dpiui (days post IUI) 6dpt (days post trigger)  I started progrsterone Sunday night and life is hell. I’m exhausted, unable to get out of bed, crying, and my body feels horrible.  This “two week wait” is always hard once progesterone starts. I become a hermit. An emotional, exhausted, irritable little hermit.  I’m…

the sun has a certain power (our fifth, last iui).

I have spent a lot of time outside lately – gardening, running, walking throughout our neighborhood, sitting in a hammock at the park – and there is a fullness inside me. I think it is because of the sun. The sun grows. It settles deep into my skin and fills my body and helps grow,…

it should be noted.

that my wife is the most selfless, supportive, and loving human being. she has given and given and given so much in this harrowing process. we sometimes forget that our spouses are going through this with us emotionally, that they are feeling it just as deep. i wanted to take the time to acknowledge that. to…