this should be simpler. 

I’m standing in the shower, listening to Chance the Rapper and swaying a tiny bit – I need them to move.  I need the reassurance that they are there and alive.  You never really get away from that anxiety that follows you through each try and failure. Infertility follows you even when you have suceeded. …

Birth is always on my mind.

Birth is always on my mind. I saw the photos from my own birth when I was five or six. They were in this old album, stuck to the pages, that presented this story about how strong this seventeen-year-old girl was to push out this six pound and seven-ounce baby. She had a unmedicated birth…

Will they always be like this?

I made it to twelve weeks (well, as of today, twelve weeks and two days). My stomach is swollen like I ate an inflated kickball and I’m wondering if it is measuring more like twenty weeks if it was a singleton. There are certainly two babies in there. They are active, two and a half…

the intensity of pregnancy dreams.

Ever since I was a very small child, I have had vivid, lucid dreams. They played a huge role in my ability to world build throughout my childhood and have helped my foundation as a storyteller. As of now, at 27, I can remember hundreds of dreams in my childhood. My oldest is a dream…

“be not of those who are shut out as by a veil.”

They vibrate my insides when I walk around too much or drink soda water. I feel it on the outside, my lower belly in specific spots, like there are two small pagers inside my uterus going off at various points in time. Their inch and a half long bodies wiggling around and vibrating my organs….

we’re moving to the mountains.

i was going to write this long, elegant post about moving, stress, anxiety and how hard pregnancy is but it didn’t sound right. the words rolled around my mouth too much and, maybe its because i’m violently vomiting everything out of my body, but they simply didn’t come out right. like they were covered in…

some answered questions about the babies.

We heard their heartbeats yesterday at our 8-week appointment. We saw them wiggle and wiggle and wiggle. They’re alive. They’re growing. And we can’t help but think they’re magical. We are honoring this time as they grow and grow inside me, but we look forward to the moment that they enter earthside. We have many…

Hey babies!

It is with great excitement that we announce TWO new Raos who are making their appearance in late April/Early May. – We found out while on a trip to the great outdoors four days after our embryo transfer. The line that we got was dark. We tested for days after and the line stayed dark…

the waiting game. 

we are playing the waiting game.  isn’t this all just a waiting game for one thing or another? like we are leapfrogging from one moment to the next?  I feel like for the last year our hearts have lived inside our throats and our bodies are trying to find stability in it’s new normal –…

it’s not settling in. 

my mom has been dead for nearly seven years – october 20th. time doesn’t make it seem any less, it doesn’t heal this wound. time becomes irrelevant.  some days it feels like years without her.  other days, like today, only a few days.  I wish she was here today, yesterday, the day before.  her response…