real life.

real life. dirty clothes in the corner. things thrown about. amma carrying one babe while mama nurses the other. house a wreck. worries and anxiety in the air. we are recouping from traveling and getting ready for mama’s dental surgery traveling back to tx to see our fam winter breaks we are listening to books…

putting ‘obsession’ in postpartum ocd.

  well, i am down to using only instagram as my social media outlet.  but there doesn’t mean there isn’t struggle involved with maintaining myself.  it’s been a month since i broke up with facebook. i quit it. pressed that ‘deactivation’ button (but still haven’t had the strength to ‘delete’ ten years of data) and…

life was born out of my belly.

My muscles in my abdomen are extremely sore now. My wife said they held me open and pushed and pulled to get the babies out of the six inch cut right above my pubic bone. I’ve held the belief that csections are the absolute latest resort and people shouldn’t give into mindless intervention, but after…

when your postpartum feels co-oped.

Postpartum is supposed to be a very special time. It’s a time of healing and taking care of the new mother and a time to adjust to the new normal. This has been the absolute worst time in my life. The days following my mother’s death was difficult – planning her funeral at 20, writing…

more than a body but maybe more than a shelter too. 

They are beginning to hear now. They are seeing, smelling, and they are hearing. They are consuming the words I say aloud and being nourished by the thoughts coursing through my head and, at this point, they are an extension of myself. Connected to my body, feeding off my body, my blood pumping through their…

“be not of those who are shut out as by a veil.”

They vibrate my insides when I walk around too much or drink soda water. I feel it on the outside, my lower belly in specific spots, like there are two small pagers inside my uterus going off at various points in time. Their inch and a half long bodies wiggling around and vibrating my organs….

the waiting game. 

we are playing the waiting game.  isn’t this all just a waiting game for one thing or another? like we are leapfrogging from one moment to the next?  I feel like for the last year our hearts have lived inside our throats and our bodies are trying to find stability in it’s new normal –…

so, how do you pray (meditate/center yourself)?

i am trying to make it a habit of waking up and praying.  i’ve only done this consistently in the last few days. [What is your favorite prayer? Quote? Meditation mantra? Reminder for yourself? Are there any you could share with me? I would certainly appreciate having them, writing them down, during this process. ]…

a conversation before & during fertility treatments:

a conversation that they should have with you before fertility treatments: they don’t sit you down and tell you what will change during this process. you are on their time – no control – and you do as they say when they say it. they manipulate your body to work on their time – lowering…

she’s not here (when your mom is dead). 

My mom would have wanted to be a part of this.  I sit in bed, forcing myself to try to nap during days, just so I can see her in my dreams. In my dreams, she’s our most supportive person. She’s the person calling to check on us everyday. She’s the person remembering that it…