no, kid, your uterus aches.

there is an unsettling feeling that has grown in my uterus. there is actually so much unsettling that i am starting to feel rattled. it could very well be the birth control pills too. i don’t do well on hormones. my body, well my body isn’t completely used to the natural hormones let alone these…

just because things fail doesn’t mean you do. 

28 Walmart Cheapies 12 Family Dollar Cheapies 12 First Response 1 Blood Test All negative. This cycle failed, but I didn’t fail. My body didn’t fail me. This takes time and for some, there are just different methods needed, more time needed, and thinking outside the box. We have to toil the earth, lay down…

an ocean too heavy. 

There is a deep loneliness in trying to conceive. There is a deeper loneliness being the body that is being used. The hormones take a toll and create exhaustion, anxiety, and lethargy. It’s hard to communicate enough how off things feel, how torn down that you feel, how sometimes – sometimes you wish you didn’t…

small update because progesterone is holding me down. 

I am currently: 4dpiui (days post IUI) 6dpt (days post trigger)  I started progrsterone Sunday night and life is hell. I’m exhausted, unable to get out of bed, crying, and my body feels horrible.  This “two week wait” is always hard once progesterone starts. I become a hermit. An emotional, exhausted, irritable little hermit.  I’m…

the sun has a certain power (our fifth, last iui).

I have spent a lot of time outside lately – gardening, running, walking throughout our neighborhood, sitting in a hammock at the park – and there is a fullness inside me. I think it is because of the sun. The sun grows. It settles deep into my skin and fills my body and helps grow,…

it should be noted.

that my wife is the most selfless, supportive, and loving human being. she has given and given and given so much in this harrowing process. we sometimes forget that our spouses are going through this with us emotionally, that they are feeling it just as deep. i wanted to take the time to acknowledge that. to…

a garbage full of negatives.

It was 15dpiui and I had taken 48 tests. Each one I scrutinized with squinting eyes as I held my phone’s flashlight on it. Is that a line? That shadow? Could that be a positive? Maybe? Maybe this is the time? Each test, the same thing. Morning, during the daytime, in the middle of the…

the clusterfuck that is a thyroid.

So, we never hear about the thyroid. I never understood exactly what the thyroid did until my sister in law pointed out my levels being too high. I never worried about it and stayed up late into the night too anxious about it until I actually understood how it affected my fertility. There is a naive,…