the hardest (most beautiful) thing I’ve ever had to do. 

(Unedited mobile post. sorry for wonky formats.)  I made it to 20 weeks. I feel that we are more than halfway here. I have two babies, my goal is 36 weeks. Anything after is extra (torture for me but great for these two little guys).  I’m currently sitting in a room in my Midwives’ office…

a conversation before & during fertility treatments:

a conversation that they should have with you before fertility treatments: they don’t sit you down and tell you what will change during this process. you are on their time – no control – and you do as they say when they say it. they manipulate your body to work on their time – lowering…

its hard but not impossible (whole30/facebook abstinence).

after dealing with five failed iuis and gaining a lot of weight from the hormones. i needed to move in a different direction. definition of insanity, right, if i continued in the same direction as i have been going. ivf is expensive as fuck. why wouldn’t i try to tame my pcos and hypothyroid (btw,…

the sun has a certain power (our fifth, last iui).

I have spent a lot of time outside lately – gardening, running, walking throughout our neighborhood, sitting in a hammock at the park – and there is a fullness inside me. I think it is because of the sun. The sun grows. It settles deep into my skin and fills my body and helps grow,…

it should be noted.

that my wife is the most selfless, supportive, and loving human being. she has given and given and given so much in this harrowing process. we sometimes forget that our spouses are going through this with us emotionally, that they are feeling it just as deep. i wanted to take the time to acknowledge that. to…

a garbage full of negatives.

It was 15dpiui and I had taken 48 tests. Each one I scrutinized with squinting eyes as I held my phone’s flashlight on it. Is that a line? That shadow? Could that be a positive? Maybe? Maybe this is the time? Each test, the same thing. Morning, during the daytime, in the middle of the…

the clusterfuck that is a thyroid.

So, we never hear about the thyroid. I never understood exactly what the thyroid did until my sister in law pointed out my levels being too high. I never worried about it and stayed up late into the night too anxious about it until I actually understood how it affected my fertility. There is a naive,…

So, I was open and talked about my journey.

I was very fortunate to be welcomed as a guest blogger on a popular doula agency’s website. They gave me the space to be able to tell my story in two blog posts for #nationalinfertilityweek and the response from these posts was comforting and supportive.

trying to hold space for yourself.

I spent half the day with my stomach in my throat. My heart was somewhere in my esophagus, constricted, and both organs caused me to feel like I couldn’t breathe. There is a certain loneliness that comes with infertility and the “trying to conceive” process. There are so many people who are sacrificing parts of…